/ Engineering Anxiety

Engineering Anxiety - My Beginning

I never thought of myself as having an anxious personality, but looking at the history of my family, it make sense. My mother dealt with stress and anxiety many times over. My grandmother, who I look up to in many ways, dealt with it as well, even though she put on a strong face in during the tough times. Even though I had many examples of it in my family, I never thought that I would develop anxiety.

When I started out in my career, I was capable of handling anything my bosses threw at me, even abuse. I have had bosses try to indicate that I was going to "steal" clients away from them (even if I was moving to a job that wasn't in the same industry), and I was able to walk away pretty much unscathed. But somewhere in the middle, around 2010-2011, it just started to get worse.

My first panic attack was when I was working at Disney on a contract. I had just gotten the "you're not working fast enough" talk with my project manager and the VP of the department I was contracted with, and the next day was completely shot for me. I had a shooting pain from my heart, down to my fingertips in both my arms. I literally felt like I was going to die. I ended up having to take the day off, which when coupled with the previous days discussions, ended up looking real bad. Thankfully, my project manager was a real badass and helped me get back and on a proper track, but since that day, I felt like I have been on a downhill stumble through my career.

So, why this blog?

I think the first step I'm trying to accomplish here is that I'm identifying my problems and I know it is something I need, and want, to work on. I want to use this blog as an outlet that I can write out my thoughts and issues, along with random musings or tech things I want to write about. I need to break back out of my shell that Anxiety has closed me in, and the other places to post this sort of thing are too over-run with noise that dissuade me from wanting to post.